Waiting

It will be years before she knows if it was the easiest or the most difficult decision of her life. There were so many things to consider, so many possible outcomes, so many voices to hear. But in the end it was the ache in her heart that made the decision possible.

She would adopt. She wasn’t married. She had a successful career. She had supportive family members and friends. Most importantly, she had faith that God would lead her down the right path if she listened hard. She filled out all the paperwork, went through the home visits, and waited, waited.

She didn’t tell many people at first, she was afraid of being dissuaded, afraid of naysayers who would point out all the reasons she shouldn’t have a child. She waited in silence. And one day the good news came: a baby on the way. The nursery was ready; she was ready. Then with a phone call the excitement evaporated: the birth mom was going to keep her child. Not long after that, she had a personal health crisis.

The nursery sat quiet and empty and her heart ached anew. The doubts crept in. God was certainly punishing her. She’d had a tough childhood, an abusive father. Maybe, like her own dad, God decided she wasn’t worthy of such an important responsibility. Why, in our moments of despair, do we ascribe to God our own fears? Your father’s judgments are not God’s judgments. God knows your heart. Trust; keep the faith; pray.

 

Another phone call, another child in need of a mother’s loving embrace. A beautiful, healthy boy. Hers. His tiny hands wrapped around her finger, his warm cheek resting on her breast, his hungry cries waking her in the middle of the night. He will thrive on his mother’s love. Her heart is full.